The other day I was listening to 'Tell 'Em Steve Dave', a favourite comedic podcast of mine. During the episode, Bryan Johnson, the show's host and king of 'what-if' scenarios, asked his various cohorts to choose a dead person who was so beautiful in their time that you'd consider sleeping with their ghost now.
I know. I told you, he's Mr. 'What-If'.
First, the lone woman on the show chose Heath Ledger. Then it was time for the many men to chime in. What happened next surprised me. To a man, each one chose
Audrey Hepburn. My interest was piqued, because I really didn't know who she was beyond a name I recognized. But I really got interested when the woman, the one who had previously chosen Ledger spoke up again in protest: "I didn't know I could pick a woman! I pick Audrey too." There wasn't an ounce of her that was joking.
The opinions of 5 or 6 podcasters need not sway anyone, but the immediacy and unanimity with which they answered got my curiosity going. Who was this Hepburn, and was she that easy on the eyes? I did some searching, and yes, she certainly was.
Then, on a further search on my good pal Wiki, I came up with this: "Hepburn was voted "most beautiful woman of all time" in a poll of beauty experts by Evian." Not that bottled water aficionados necessarily are the final word on lady-looks, but coupled with the 'Steve-Dave' experience I was now sure I had missed out on yet another pillar of pop-culture; one of those many things that everyone knows but me. The world's most beautiful woman had passed me by! Whether she was before my time or not, I was ashamed of myself for not knowing and appreciating humanity's foremost example of 'purdyness'.
But then I thought a bit more and realized: "Wait a second! Hepburn can't be history's loveliest human, because
Christy Turlington sits on that throne." At least, that's what i always used to think, but it had been so long since I Iooked. I did some more poking around online, mainly on google image search, and was relieved to realize that all was right with the world.
First of all, let's just concede that earth's best looking ape must chosen from the females of the species. I think most women would agree. They're called the 'fairer sex' for a reason. But Hepburn vs. Turlington? Hmmm, not so cut and dry.
Well, to anyone but me, anyway. In high school I was a huge Turlington fan, but in the years since have moved on. Not that she wasn't still the girl I'd mention if anyone asked me who my #1 supermodel pick would be, but I was years removed from any such thoughts. Nevertheless, after the Hepburn thing I needed a 'Christy-fix', and luckily Turlington's various pictures can be found all over the internet.
I had forgotten how her image had slayed me every time, how even the rare nude shots I had seen of her aroused little overt sexual reaction, merely the realization that I was seeing perfection in greater detail. That's how truly stunning she was. She looked like an Egyptian sculpture of a goddess, like the ideal and perfect woman.
So have a look above, and make your choice. Turlington's still breathing, you don't need to pick someone from the other side. Just history's finest. Or post your own ideas. But I'm still going with the most beautiful person I've ever known to exist on this planet so far... Christy Nicole Turlington.
